This is a post I have been sitting on from the start of it all, how do I start well I have been married for 14 yrs and I guess the beginning of our relationship is a good bless to start.
we met in a church in CT I saw him messing with our drums and went over to him to find out if he had permission to touch our drums. according to him he noticed me as soon as I walked away, needless to say we were married six months later. I the curse of our dating I made huge mistakes. 1. I went against my leader and his leader. who warned us both that we should not be together. he left me after his Pastor said we did not belong together I well never forget it, it was Easter morning when he told me . I cried and worked my web the following week he was back, a few weeks later itr was more than evident the my pastor did not care for it either, but because I was so bullheaded he let me make my own dission and said if i say now you will do it anyway . the truth is I wanted him to say no. but I knew I had to be the one to end it but pride would not let me. 2 i moved him in my house before marriage, yep I did that, at the time I told myself that it was because his mom put him out but I knew it was wrong. I was a single parent and I should not have brought a man in my house, and thinking I could handle it without sex was STUPID so now here I was living in sin and preaching well carrying the title preacher because my pastor had me on lock down.
so I thought I would do God a favor and get married. instead of disciplining my flesh and emotions less than a month later the drama begin we have to move and and when I see he is not helping we began to fight and in our arguing he makes the statement I only married you because I knew you would not have sex anymore. from that day he has been trying to take those words back but the truth is I laid that path down . 3 I did not listen to God the day of my wedding as i stood in a empty church four guys and a bride in a broom skirt and tee shirt he was crying and to this day I believe it was for the same reason I was standing there like a deer caught in headlights I heard God say NO.
I have been reaping it for day one.
countless other women eviction he has walked out and even brought a ring for some one else over the years I have joined him in this game of tit for tat I have tried to be with other men to teach him the lesson of . see how it feels. but it only made me feel worst.
so after repenting and trying to make it work I have made up my mind this must end. as we face having to move again I will be moving on.
the fear of starting over has kepted me holding on but holding on has kept in depression, and pain of seeing the other women all who are church girls or girls that go to church. I have been without I had more money and peace when I was a single parent trusting God.
2009 he left and I took him back but in the time he was gone MY world was coming together, I was happy and working had to deal with his girlfriend at the time but God had my back in it all. but feeling like he left me for that,(pride) made me feel like I had to go back. she was not the one for him but neither was I , finally for the bast six month out of 14 yrs there has been no other women and he is determined to do whats right the past three months he has been working full-time.
We have talked about spiting in peace but he keeps coming back but I know I must go the pain of feeling like I have let my husband down, my church down, and my God down by leaving makes me want to walk away from it all. I don't know how to right this wrong I did, without feeling like I'm doing wrong. a prophet once said God said go and he will be your husbandman and at that time I questioned what she meant I even called her and wanted her to clear that up for me because I thought all was good at home. she would not, she actually rebuked me and said never do that again she said God and I knew what he was saying two days later all was reviled I did not go but now I know it will never get better until I let go each time we parted as much as it hurt he was better and I was better it was bitterness that kept me coming back feeling like the one who no one will pick. each time a new girl was in his life I felt like he was calling me ugly.
well I must do this to mentally get back, to spiritually get back and to be honest I'm tired. I realize that I may be single from here on end but I think I have learned to deal with being alone.
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