DEATH BECOMES HER.

Death has a way of  changing your whole out look on life, Ivan my youngest son was a little ball of energy and even though I had to go 2 1/2 yrs of court visits and crying over him while on this earth . he still was loved as if he spent every day in our home. he had a big head huge hands knock knee and he had my eyes one with a  black line that flow from his retina.
lactose intolerant and that was the beginning of my battle to keep him, he, like the rest of my babies had a hard time keep down the milk so they would throw up a lot . but other thought this was me not taking care of him be cause his bib would smell. water under the bridge now but at the time I wanted to well I'll let that thought go. fighting the courts on my own just lost me all visitation right . I never hit him just each time I went to court things got worst . the last time I went to court I had not clue why I had to go so I called his dad at his job (police station) where his sister worked as well .
I asked him why am I going to court he didn't fall I did do anything in the last visit why , the only thing I could remember at the time and still til this day is , he tried to kiss me and I told him I was no longer interested in him at all , that's was only thing that happen I was very careful with Ivan since I was now down to I visit every other week. He hung up the phone I called my sister/friend Regina and put her on a three way for I felt something crazy was up and I may need a witness . I had no Lawyer of my own . we made one call and his sister answered and called me names I called her names and she said just show up in court . that was it , giving where they worked I would not push it ,
got to court and there they had a petition with over 20 signatures say I called them over 40 times no matter what I said after that the judge would not believe me I was so angry the judge saw my anger and said ." supervised visits only must report to parole officer and the siblings must get a court order to visit.
I lost it in that court room and right in the court room the lord showed me that Ivan was going to die  in his care. I looked at the grandmother at that time and right in the courtroom told her he is going to die in your care I still didn't know where they lived so i said I'm gonna follow you to your house, the judge had to have some one hold me in custody for 10min and gave me a warring . that was the day I almost lost my mind I went to one visit and couldn't do it any more I told my parole officer I have done no crime so I will not do this  arrest me if you have to . she just looked at me and said " your not going to visit your son. I told her he didn't like it my children were sad about not being able to see him and I as his mother cant stand to see him cry when I leave him any more so No I give up tell his dad he wins,
I was Ivan One last time a year latter on  his 3rd birthday It was on a Sunday and he and his father was coming out of church I followed him to his house, I said to myself I'm gonna beg this man to let me just sit her for a minute with him.
well God must not have wanted me to beg that day , a car pulled up and who ever it was they want to speak to his dad so his dad saw me and brought him over to my car and said I'll be right back, and although it was a short visit I still remember it to this day.  He sat in the front seat with me hug my neck I had just got some Mac Donald's big mack and fries, his dad had a list of food that he could not eat but how could i say no to that face he bit into that hamburger like a champ. he saw his dad coming over so He push the sandwich to the side like he didn't have it and wiped his face jumped in my lap and said , " Can I come see shadee the name he called is sister a said ask you dad maybe he will let you. he asked his dad and he said no Ivan cried, he was just so sad I said just for a few minutes you can come with him, no he has to go somewhere. My being there was making him upset so i left 22 days latter Ivan was gone. his father was on life support and I was being told I couldn't even see my son's body . but God touched the heart of Mr Bragg's ( the funeral director) who was told he would have trouble with the law if he let me see him. well when he found out who this child's mother was not only did he let me come in to she my son before the services. he told that family after the wake that was set up like a wedding his family on one side and mine on another. I had to get a car form another funeral home to handle my programs and family but Braggs
Sometimes in our toughest moments is when we need to trust God the most. before Ivan's death singing was just something I was anointed to do after his death it became part of my worship, before his death love thy nab was just one of the commandments after his death It became a life style. some one said to me after my son died that god did this to get your attention because you had been missing morning service lol. she had no clue I was speaking at my dads prison every Sunday mornings for two hours. at the time I thought how could you say that to me and I even left that church after that statement . thinking I don't want to serve in a house that would believe such a thing. Today I find that maybe there is some truth in what she said . for I can truly say with out him dying. I would not have become the woman I am today . Ivan, Mommy misses you and loves you very much. thanks for the memories. I'll be caught up one day and we shall see each other again .