finding the right man after this

well my last post was the start to a list of bad decision's . my whole out look on men at this point was don't trust no one but at the same time find the real deal I was dating some one at  the time and he was one of the best things in my life. but I left him to afraid he would leave or something, to be honest I had no clue I just didn't want a man I really wanted in fear something bad would happen . so I went back to my ex the one who mom called me Dino and who treated girls like the next virgin he could break and since I was already on that list I now became the one he could have when ever. this behavior went on for years until I found a new way to feed this craziness . all the church people please leave the blog .
my next fix for this mindset was gay men . I know they would never lay with me but for some reason they loved me I became the ultimate fag hag and fell in love with a few but this was my type of love one that wasn't real to no one but me, it was easier for me to love some one I knew would never want me then for me to love some one that may love me and leave me or rape me later. then aids came in and after loosing a lot of my friends and seeing some get sick and getting tested myself . I had no other choice but to seek God . so I started dating the right type .(so i thought ) Lord send me a church guy . that was the end of my list . I was on my third child , had a one baby daddy that denied his child , one that use to beat me up but like my mom I thought I had to stay there till love changed him that did not happen but the lord did change him . but I was long gone by then. then there was the father of the fourth child  cute fine tall nothing like I have been dating I met him in the church I and he saw me . I thought he has to be blind  but then again I ask for a church boy. one night .I thought I was pregnant before we got together but he and I hooked up anyway. that night He left for work and I thought to myself wow someone like him likes me, we talked on the phone while He was at work about us being a couple he agreed I agreed all was well .then that next Tuesday after service. he called Me out side, meet me on the corner he said , I did, happy smiling. and he said don't tell any one we date.
he was ashamed of me so I said forget you I don't want no one who is ashamed of me. I put my head up and walked home. as soon as I got out of site I cried nine months later I realized I want pregnant when me and Mr I'm ashamed of you hooked up but in fact I got pregnant that one night I didn't even know where he lived. never forget that day in the hospital they handed me my son 10lbs I was waiting to see this dark brown beauty and wow very lite looking just like Mr I'm ashamed of you. ,"do you want to hold him"  no I said  all I could think was how do I tell him I decided , I  had no choice .
we all sang together in a group and when some of the people from that group came to see me they know right away so I had to say something, well I thought this time he would be there, this dad will be there for us. NOT.
they had a meeting at the church they asked me question didn't you say we didn't know the father? Yes, How come you want to say he's the father now ? I had no clue till now . then it happen. one of them said how we know your not just after his money you some slut on welfare trying to get child support. I was shocked and embarrassed now I was ashamed of my own self. I just walk away saying it's OK  we don't need him. after a few weeks he took responsibility, and buy the time he was five months he took him away. I would never know the real reason why .By his third Birthday he was dead from a fire that Brooke out in his dad's home.
so from this I learned never make a life plan based on your pain .sometimes women have kids based on a bad child hood or the lack of love from a parent sometimes we chose love one or mates based on what someone did to us  or trying to find Mr right  based on Mr wrong. Like me we can't always go back to say I'm sorry we cant always make it right . sometimes we just have to live with and grow form it .
today it has all worked for my good , some days are better than others but it all has been a lesson on life and trusting God . My Pastor teaches  us never make a decision when your emotions or high weather sad or angry of even to happy. Seek God . see a therapist yes I said it you will not go to hell if you do. we go to the doctor when our bodies are sick sometimes our minds get sick as well. 
Be Blessed, Be Healed and Be Better.