Gifted or cursed

well I know it's been a while since my last post, but to be honest, have been shaking in my boots about this book, this blog, and this thing they call the anointing.
must people including myself sometimes see me as this anointed vessel of God and there are times when I think to myself it must be true often times I can't recall half of what I say or preach or even write often times I may have to listen to a CD go back to something I wrote just to hear what everyone else is talking about while I am in a flow wither it is preaching, teaching, or writing I just flow in my head I'm scared I'm saying the wrong thing orb not being clear.  my nerves are in full blast and I cant wait to sit down . and only those who may type out a sermon for me see the real me . but thanks be to the grace and mercy of God none of this is noticeable while in flow .
I remember listening to a tape one time and this girl was preaching  and I was in the car me and my friend and I was saying to her who is this beast she is preaching her head off . I kept on saying it as she was preaching. After awhile my friend knew I was serious and she just looked at me like I had two heads. just as she gave me that look I heard the preacher on the tape tune up and she squalled and it was at that moment I realized I was the girl on the tape . I had to pull over and cried it was the first time I heard myself preach and I had been  preaching for about six years by then.
so I believe that I do carry an anointing the other thing is when some one is blessed or some life is changed by something I said IT SEEMS all hell breaks lose.
i have been in operations of my gifts from the age of seven it all started with singing and even as a child it seems like every time I minister my world gets interrupted . I didn't understand it as a child and I still don't all I know is two things the first is everyone seems to think it's partly large part, due to my anointing , the other thing is a fact I can't quit. sometimes when I'm in the mist of a spiritual battle. and I'm in a corner trying to figure out why is this thing happening to me., I say to myself  there is not this mush anointing in the world  is it the gift or a curse. is god pleased or is he trying to tell me to stop.dose he love me ore hate me. (don't worry people I know the answer). but what I don't know is, how to manage these time of  spiritual bullying?
how do I hold on when my hands are sweating? how do I see the bright side when there is mud in my eye? . how do I stand still when the rug is being pulled form under me? . well people of God if the devil was mad at me before he will bust a gasket in a minute .
Pastor Brown has been teaching on a  series three parts so far I missed the 1st one but the saint has been catching me up and I see I need to get the CD , but part one is the language of the blessed pt2 the education of the blessed and pt3 the lifestyle of the blessed, pt4 we will hear on Sunday but in the teachings so far I have learned that this gift or anointing is not a curse and in my mouth is secret to the half the battle and in my experiences are the other half if I speak what is, for I am already,then it will be . and if i remember what he has already done then I smile in the fire for I know he will show up,
and my lifestyle should should reflect my speech , my speech is improved by furtherance of my education, it's  amazing how as soon as you learn something and begin to but it to practice and you see or feel the results you almost instantly forget  the old way,  there is one aspect of my gift that I haven't even tapped into yet and I plan on going in . this is who I am and what is , is, and what will be, will be .God is not angry at me, he trust me enough to be quite. I can cry father ,father why have thou forsaken  me  and wallow in that or I can just bare this cross  till I am released to rise  and without fail no matter how hard it has been I always end up on the side of the blessed. why should this time be any different? i have watched  silently as some of my fellow preachers have giving up and trunk their backs on God because they felt this same way and I want to encourage you if you are reading this to, speak the language of the blessed  WE can't give up what has been giving to us  for we were chosen for a reason the blessed realize that he will put no More on us than we  can bare. if he is quite God just means you are on the right track. I don't always get it right away but thank God he understands that I am a visual learner and through it all he is just teaching me . so God help me to be better, be healed, and be Blessed
your servant '
Church girl