Can't shake this thought

usually I write in this blog to help other today I write in hopes some on could help me . Let me make it plan. It is my pray that one day this will no longer be a issue for me . and let me further say that I am not that person who feel she has you do this for attention. that being said here is my challenge. 

 I'm battling the thought of Ivan's death I wish just telling myself that it was not my fault was enough but its like my mind has an time clock and some days around this time of the year I wake up thinking about what I could have done the night his uncle came to the house replays like a video stuck on replay. 1am Saturday 26,1991 a loud knock on the door I could hear someone calling my name but I heard gunshots at the same time so I did not answer the door , it was not uncommon to hear gunshots on my block and our house was a house people like to run through when being chased, I had just got in about 20 min prior so I assume  who ever was at the door saw me a just wanted me to open the door . then about 20 min later the same voice came to the door again he was yelling my name I knew it was someone who needs me . my apartment was in the basement so I began to make my way up the stair I could hear that my dad got their before me . he stuttered when he was excited and when some one woke him up . I could hear him " wwwwwhat you  do what" . the young man very excited and in tears just began to shout out words fire at the house and my mom is in the hospital and Ivan is dead. I was almost to the top of the steps and about to open the door that leads to the kitchen from the basement I stop held my hands in the praying position and said God please let me not have heard that right. then I ran to the front door . my dad was saying what did you say and by that time our eyes locked and he looked at me and said Ivan is gone . all I remember after that is screaming and my dad's voice saying to my mother. let her cry. the next thing I remember is getting in my car driving by the house where the fire was and then back to my friends house in hackensack and couldn't get back home someone had to drive me back  and that's all I remember of that night , 


the next sence in my head, that I then turn on is how could I have changed it I always go back to the fist day in court . Ivan's dad had a restraining order put on me because I tried to beat him up in the church parking lot . the day of the fight a cop came to my house and said that I had to stay away form him and his girl friend till we went to court I said fine just let me go get my son , She then said until you go to court he has temporary custody of  your son . the next day I went to social service  to see what my chances of getting my son back were I only let him stay with him until we got a crib from his sister , so I thought. the worker told me being he had the job the judge would give him custody , now I know that was wrong but at the time I didn't know better, then i went to legal aid and thy couldn't help . Finlay I went to court and I didn't care about the restraining order so when that was done I waited for the judge to go into custody . but he just said next case. I held up my hand  ask the judge what about my son and custody . he looked at me looked at the helper and said there is nothing in the paper work about custody , then his dad and his lawyer said something to the judge then the judge orders custody hearing date be set and temporary custody was granted till we returned  back to court,. In my mind that was the turning point If I could have just taking the time to say that  somebody lied to me I could take the just about the cop . how now I know was just a friend of his job  and that Ivan's Dad was using his connections to take my son form me to keep from paying support, . but I didn't feel good enough about myself to speak up for my self . today is not the same as yesterdays Today I will speak up no matter what or who. I pray for the day that I can shake  this feeling of what if,  but until then . I can only say I've learned. and maybe thats all I needed to do.