As I was listening to one of my peers one Sunday as He was bringing forth the word he said something that changed my life, ex specially as it pertains to the death of my son.
for years I spent countless days and sometime weeks every year around the same time January 3rd through February 2nd his birthday and the day I buried him, I would be so depressed and really did not want anyone to bother me this could be just the two days or the whole month.
I convinced myself that Ivan's death was my fault If I would have fought harder to get him back . If i wasn't on welfare if my lifestyle was greater , if I was prettier, this list of what if went on and on. the guilt was eating me alive on year I literally made my self sick.
after a while I decided the best thing to do it to take the dates and make them something positive I know he would not enjoy me making his birthday a day of pain and grief. so since his birthday was near the first of the year I derided to set life goals on this day so I started with the things that I beat myself over the head with getting off the system. going to college, starting a business and things like that. and if I failed at it at least I tried. then I realized that even thought it took some of the pain away I still some how was trying to do something that would make me feel better about the death of my son, trying to change everything I felt I did wrong .and the truth of the matter was no matter what I did, I still had the guilt eating at me although I did nothing to cause his death. and as time went by I soon realized that I was now trying to empress a ghost.
Til one day while in church Min Dwarell was preaching and he said something about being stuck in one moment , wow he did not have to go in into this long distortion it hit me almost instantly, girl you have to let go of this one moment of life there has been so much more to you than the death of your son, there has been so many great events that has accrued in you life than the day your son was buried, you have children that have graduated , you graduated you have change lives through the preaching of the gospel. your voice is on Cd's you have written things that have been published and and continue to evolve. you can choose to die stuck in this one moment that you can not change or you can strive to make moments everyday, you can choose to make a legacy or just die stuck in the moment of death . I decide to live.
Today you have been holding on to the death of a lived one, a parent that didn't show up , you may be stuck in that moment of rape, murder, or addiction whatever the moment may be . move form that moment . and live . Today I still miss my son and on his birthday I feel it but that me being human , I do not have the guilt choking me anymore so I take a day to reflect on the good things his smile, his energy and his Love for me and his siblings and I move on . Jesus went to the garden and asked God to take this cup and he got not answer . on the cross he ask why have thu forsaken me . then he moved on to the next then on his agenda he died and then he he got up . and like him I asked God why instead of three days it took me 19 long years but ,I GOT UP. there is life after the grave.
the grave holds on to the dead thing, we who are living drop off the dead cover it, and walk away . ashes to ashes dust to dust. then we take the memory and live with it we take the lessons left, and learn from it,and we live. Live today . LIVE
Be blessed,Be better, and Be healed.
Church Girl
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